She breathes the smell of lily
Penetrating the very depths of her being
Beneath her profound troubled soul
A silent stream of peaceful water flow like a river
It goes to the sea to converge with oneness

Distant waters obey the cries of gravity
In her robust desire
Beholds the halt of their search for surreal happiness

Putting behind her unbelievable past,
The rocky path and impossible journey
She faces the world with unquenchable thirst
Ready to embrace a new life

The river now joins the sea
That moment which meshed them
No one was to hinder
Because it is sacred and pure love

After all that's been
All that will ever be
In this time
Between now and then
It's over

I am over with something
It is over with someone

It has been a long time
Running...
Chasing...
Escaping...

I can hear my heart beating
Calling me to head home

Heeding...
Obeying...
That's what I'm doing
Going home...
With you

I found myself inside a cafe
where every soul could only care less
for the soul seated next to thier left
neither to thier right or otherwise. 

I see happy faces and could hear boisterous laughter. 
There is cheer and gleam on their face.
Their laughter is banging from across parallel directions. 
In my heart, I listened to words I could not understand
or to its sentiments that are far-reaching. 

All along, I realized that inside my heart
is a silence that they cannot break;
a silence they could not stir up. 
It is deeply rooted and peacefully residing in my heart. 
I wondered why and what kind of silence is this. 
I just know that even when I hardly understand,
I don't really care what the answers are. 
Not anymore this time. 

Listen to your silence;
it's calling out loud.

You are so much more than who you think you are and what you can do.
There is so much more than what I see as a facade.
You have something around you and over you that have mismatched your true self.
What I am trying to tell you is this:

There is this little child inside you that's crying for recognition.
So full of grief and fear, it is only staring at the bright light from the abyss.
That is how that little child will remain if you continue to cover your ears.
I am not telling you that you are on your own.
Remember, I said: Look inside because it is already there.
When you look, watch closely because you will not see it.
That's why you have to trust.
Trust, that I will always be there.
And I won't stop waiting.

Something suppressed inside me wished to just say it all and let it be
not because i am held responsible of what i say and how it affects others.
It finds its way through me no matter how hard i pushed it inside and aside.
The language of longing seeps through my veins
and manifests itself in watery secretions from the lacrimal ducts.
I hear the quietest whisper loudly in my deepest slumber
which only leads me to find that reality is swallowing me in its inevitably neverending calling.

The voices from the far east and even those from the opposite end is an audible sound
and  it pierces this chambered muscle like a daggerlike stare.
The pictures in my mind sketch your face whenever i scan it within the crowd;
though i know you're not ever going to show up
a flicker of hope is bursting like crazy, wild and violent firecrackers that appear as stones from a bejeweled sky.
The anguish of my heart is fragile--only  like that of a child, it can be bought by a sweet kiss.

Oh love...how i can i ever encapsulate you, must i eh?
You're too stubborn to listen to your heart, you were not made for mediocrity.
Why settle for security and comfort zones
when that special truth can pave the way to your happiness?
Ain't you gonna look within and beyond to take a step further ?
And once in a while, put your heart on a cliff to realize how far below and up above
can you take it all at once and in between the times you will never aniticipate?

Take a short pause please and look losely on that teary eyed reflection;
that face is never crystal clear on running water but only in the stillness of the soul.
When your life no longer resembles you, that's because you've taken too much that never complements.
Remember how you described it to be interwined and greater than love?
Those words I know may only come once in its passing
but your mind have carefully thought of them and your heart have spoken out of what its full of.

Love will soon catch you when you become tired and weary
but don't let it come because a glass full of water could never hold another drop.
It will simply spill off where your bare hands could no longer catch it
and it will simply end up with the most regretful emotions--
eating you slowly, piece by piece.

Love will find you...now, today or tomorrow, only the universe decides and knows.
In what way and how--don't waste thinking of it any longer.
Your feeble knees will soon tire and you will find yourself in dire need.
Even before the world unfolds this unwanted moment
come home now, swim in this restful emptiness
and spread your arms so you can carelessly lie down.
Your agitated heart will celebrate this long-lost and peaceful  expression of freedom and affection.

This once angry heart shunned you off miles away
but it has never escape your saccharine kisses and warm clasps.
You seized my heart to escape a painful yet common reality;
something that we shared that's entirely different from mundane feelings.
Our love story was swift,
it swiveled in different directions that seemed like going nowhere.
We were perturbed of  the destination; we fogot to look where we were standing
because we were too concerned on the distance it will take us
when it should have slowly revealed itself in its own birth.

She recall a time when he slowly and tirelessly drove while intoxicated.
He looked like the bravest person that he could ever be;
asserting the realism of that contrite heart and truthful act.
His presence was more than enough to prove his courageous persistence
despite those insistingly disregarded confessions.
She smiled at that thought as always because when she bent to peek at his face
he was helpless as a child with his face crumpled on the steering wheel.
She quietly grasped the door handle, careful not to make a sound
but in a second, his head rose from a short sleep
and his hands fiercely enclosed her body like he will never let go.

Why is she writing this?
She just misses him.
Despite of that warning sign
she believes you will come home to her.
Only the universe knows how and when
but she will find you back in her arms...into her restful emptiness.

This is my love letter to you.

It's time to tell the truth.

That's why.

Over the year of unpeaceful silence, a war has broken between our hearts.  A disturbing and persistent noise that cuts across the ordinary routine of life--this kind of war that my heart calls for meant to reconcile with someone like you who I prized most.  There is however a war that you play between the thin air that separates us.  Our bodies are distanced from the beauty and turmoil in this earthly life but our souls are intertwined because of the suffering that we went through.  "How are you?" That was the first thought that came my mind everytime a memory of you is played inside my head and is perhaps the last thing I would have thought if I were face to face with you. I do not even know if a single hair in my body can stay unstimulated at the sight of you, how much more is standing right in front of you?

Life has brought us to different paths but I still want to ask, "how are you?"  I remembered when I ask, your battle didn't cease yet and so your vengeance was something I have mastered.  The ignorance you have set in placed, I find it so familiar but it only tells me how lonely that heart of yours is despite the grandeur and delight this world has given you.  If this silence is your way of having that message come across my territory, I wanted you to know that it is defeaning.  Your silence is loud, I still bear with it and I danced with it despite the tears that slowly stream down my face.  Your silence is clear as crystal.

Still.  My heart is.  How are you?

where am i?

oftentimes, we ask this question to physically locate ourselves in the different realms of this world. nowadays, i ask this question to myself to put me back to where i lost my esteem.  some people may not bother taking away the belief you have for yourself--even that only belief; others, walk on tip toes--unafraid to plant their feet firmly on the ground for fear they may only end up being hurt; generally, what you feel and how you feel about yourself is mainly how well you can do the things you want to do in your life.  i still find it a daily struggle to walk that road during the morning whenever i have to head home but when i find myself broken--the more human i feel, the more beautiful i think of life--it is huge, most of the times, i cannot grasp all of it  but in what i have to share with others, i feel i am indebted to make my own something that others could experience and taste.

i have answers this time, unlike before. they just came while i took time in between my search and rest.  when i sought for them, i counted and analyzed.  in my rest, i reflected and visualized them.  in between that, i find myself to grow more in knowing and understanding that i am who i am--whoever i have become is a force, a potential and a possibility.  am i living life in a place where i want to be? this time, my answer is  yes and not only that, i am living it as blissful as it can be. 


who am i?

perhaps, from where i have trod in my youth, i have been brought to some place known but will always be a mystery to me.  the place is more subtle and quite this time. the waves have calmed themselves after a persistent war.  the battle is more meaningful in that the mind seeks not to hear the heart but to listen; not only to see from the socially accepted perspective but with a selfless yet mindful standpoint; above all, the battle has brought the self to where there is peace, there are numerous, never-ending questions but it understands time and patience.  the tears stream down but the heart is stronger and knows better where to go to.

i probably owe a number of explaining but i have my own time; now that i have made ammends with the past, i could move forward with a past that i can relinquish to time; with no more lies to kill my heart, i am more than prepared to step further into a space where matter occupies.  in that place, i honestly don't know what to do and how to do it but my lesson teaches me not to worry of things i shouldn't in the first place.  i find myself ready but only time can tell.  positivity is what i would like to call it, after all, it wouldn't hurt to just feel good to be able to do good as if you are doing it for a greater purpose.


what am i thinking?

you. i am thinking of you.  you are that matter who occupies the space i have hoped to walk into.  it's never for me to tell when, how, why and where. i am certain though that you are who can pierce my thoughts, walk into my mind and carry my heart.  i don't want what i have used to and what you have used to because what we want to be used to in the future will be new things for us both.  the path we will embark, i don't have an idea.  the plans we will talked about, i don't have a timetable for.  the thoughts we are to share, i don't know how we will react.  the places we want to go to, i can't see how we will adjust.  but all of these, it's something i can talk, laugh, cry and be crazy with you.  i still don't know you but i do know you.  you got me.

from this day forward, i commit to make it like the last night, the last hour or the last time.  so that when i wake up during the darkest of the night, it will be the next minute to sunrise.  then, it will be another last.

I said it might be late to apologize but in my mind, I meant that that's because even before you asked for one, I have already forgiven you.  How hard must it be for you to apologize and simply say sorry?  Does it eat up all the pride in your soul to humbly find fault from what you did and not only put the blame on another person?  Or worse, you don't at all find fault with what you did because your scheme is revenge?

I am also sorry for the things I did to hurt you.  I want you to know that I'm not mad at you.  Maybe, for the things you did but never at you.  How can you be angry and bear hatred to another person when you are convicted of caring for the other person?  Sometimes, it's just difficult to find your anger's direction.

Whatever that is left of me does truly feel sorry for what happen but never of the moment of that meeting and having come to believe in the potential of your true self...that you can be someone who I will be proud of.  

May the Lord watch over you now that we're apart..now that the world has settled in between us so that we won't even catch a glimpse of another.  

Take care.  And my heart is where it belongs.
"We have a bond that's stronger than love because our lives are intertwined in pain and suffering," is what you said.

When you came into my senses, I didn’t realize it was my life you were penetrating. You came inconspicuously bringing in a sword to deeply pierce my heart and my thoughts. Unaware of your schemes, you took silence as your means to trouble my head and waiver my what-I-thought was a sound trance. My soul was asleep to learn to leave a painful past of which revenge and falsehood dominate. I know I wasn’t trying to escape because the little steps I took figure out I know now where I was heading. Having entertained a small interruption, I was deceived of what your façade was. You are a silent scheme in my life to take what was supposed left of me after a tragedy befell and took all my dreams away. The belief of what I have known to be me was like a dream that was bound to end to an even more painful hurt and a wounded heart.

What was it like to love? I have forgotten the day he died but awaken when you stepped in. The only difference this time is time. It is the time to reap. The time of sowing is over. The giving of the self however, no matter how selfless your intentions are would never stand to match the pureness of thoughts. The very thing I kept learning is this: Do not work so much to the point you’ll only ripped yourself hard for what is something that is never meant to be. In the end, that’s because you’ll never ever going to have it. Even when you say you’ve risked your life to just get it. Someone you don’t want to die will be taken away. That was what he did. To put me where I am today and to bring me to where I should be heading to, he was taken forever and what remains will only be memories. No more of the living. Only of the black abyss that stares at me—as if telling me, “don’t you still understand what this is all trying to tell you?”

Maybe I didn’t listen and maybe I tried so hard again, it should have never happen in the first place. Will I live in regret? I shall not. “What is happening to me,” you ask. Until now, you don’t know because you’ve stopped looking and you put yourself in deep slumber to fantasize what the reality is. The bottom line of this tells me you are afraid to confront your issues to face and deal with them. What you have done from the time you set foot in this foreign place is an escape. Why am I so certain about this? Because that was my scheme. All that is now, was then. A painful past I would never want to return to because I have received healing—like gentle rain falling on my head to wash away my tears and make me feel better upon returning home. Home—that is where I’ve found myself. The home is myself. Your home is yourself. Think and take a look.

You will never find what you’ve been looking for. You will never get to where you’re heading. You will never find the one to love if you’ve never find yourself. If you have never returned to your self. All they will be is like what Paulo Coelho said, “my Zahir.”

This is quite spontaneous. This is freedom. This is natural. This is naive.
It was 10 seconds of spontaneity but something I fought for--to break away or to surpass.
It was a defining moment--to change moods and give in to temperaments.
I thought I would be coward--freak out, stumble and loose my composure.
But I made through it and 10 seconds was just never enough.

People leave--almost always for the wrong reasons.
My friend here--over the phone--as if strong but really, she's hurting.
Her lover left her for something they both don't really understand.
It was a decision to make because he seem to not know what the reasons are.
But only to find solace in the arms of another while he is in a quest for his dreams.

Doesn't that sound unfair? Leaving someone because you have overgrown them?
I am not all out into that idea but somehow it feels insulting and immature.
I know this very well, the famous "been there, done that" sounds so familiar.
I have my own share of mistakes. I am human. I take chances. I take risks.
Why did I do that then? Why do people feel the need to do that too?

When we are on our way to reach our dreams, we either become two things.
We stay too focused on our dreams, we see straight and do things right.
Or we buy time once in a while and allow distraction to relieve us from boredom.
And whatever we become, we become someone we become unaware of.
Consumed. Devoured. Engrossed.

He really didn't explained why.  He just asked for a time-off.
Is that how relationships work? Does it really have to take its toll because of distance?
People have their own reasons.  Most of the time, they don't understand.
But they succumb to these reasons for fear and excitement at the same time.
I knew it when I first saw him.  He was with someone. A girl.

And immediately, judging by the way they looked, there's something wrong.
I had known earlier. I kept quiet. When she confirmed, I still kept quiet.
Her intuitions are right. Darn, women just know it. They just need to be sure.

About my 10 seconds.  I just did get over it.  I thought it would be perpetual.
But something has to go. As time passes, things change too. Including emotions.
And in this age and time, peace of mind is more important than earthly happiness.
I am free from guilt or desperation. This time, I am certain about what and who I want.
No more attraction to troubled and brilliant men, only those who are called for by Him.

Time will tell.  Patience is a need. Endurance--this is what it's all about.
I'm happy. You cannot judge. I can't too.  But in your eyes is a deep thrusting sadness.
That you refuse to acknowledge. And time will tell, only time. How many lives will be troubled.
Because your troubled life is thrown like garbage into another person. 
Perhaps, into another troubled soul. But whatever happens, here's a friendship.
Will always be there. Sunshine. Or storm. Only friendship.

Spiritual life is essentially love.
And by love, we seek and then see the spark of God.
For that life to bring back the glory to whom it is due.